move on…

“Ow, ow…..”.

I’m brushing my teeth. Noah was due to join me since we’re minutes away from running for the school bus.

“Owww…owwwww…”

I spit, rinse and head out of the bathroom. What now?

“Noah, what are you waiting for?”

He’s crumpled on the couch, grabbing his leg. He looks up at me in pain. No tears. Noah explodes into waterworks when it’s real.The dryness tells me it’s not serious.

“What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head and just grabs his leg.

Oh come on, I think!

“Noah, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“My leg,” he gasps, with great effort.

“Did you fall?”

He shakes his head.

“Did you bang it or get it caught somewhere?”

He shakes his head.

He’s not yet ten and in great shape so there’s no way something has let go in his leg.

“Get up!”

He stares. There’s no room for negotiation. He hops up on one leg.

“Where does it hurt?”

He grabs the place where the thigh connects to the rest of the body. Probably just a small twist or a cramp. I’m impatient.

In fact I have no patience.

I hate whining… I hate hearing it, I hate doing it even worse.

“Come on, if we miss the bus we’ll have to walk, so even worse for your leg. Go brush your teeth.”

He heads to the bathroom, hopping on one leg.

“Walk on it!”

“It hurts.”

“Walk on it!!”

“Okay.”

He lowers his injured left leg and puts weight on it.

“Ow, ow, ow…” Each step he takes is perfectly punctuated by a yelp. If I listen carefully there’s a tune in it.

Later, as we head for the bus, he starts hopping on one leg.

“Stop it!”

“It hurts if I like keep walking on it.”

“The pain will go away only if you keep walking on it. Use it or lose it!”

“Really?”

“That’s how muscles are.”

Leg muscles, arm muscles, heart muscles.

Pain is more often an indication that you have been underusing a faculty. When you need it, it hurts….so you try not to use it and it’ll hurt worse when you need it again.

Fall in love, suffer, fall in love again. Avoiding pain is a slow death.

As we get to the bus stop, Malcolm hi-fives him, “Noah, whazzup?”

Noah explains his pains to his bus stop buddy.

“That’s no good, man, no good at all.”

The two little men commiserate.

“Hey Malc look.”

Noah jumps to pick something off the ground. He holds up a one inch wide bottle cap. The two boys have a spontaneous reaction.

“Sweet.”

They laugh and push each other.

“Jinx. I said it first.”

“No, I did.”

“Fail.”

“No, you fail.”

“Come on let’s set up goals.”

They run around, pick up various rocks and pieces of brick to set up two goals on the sidewalk.  Malcolm kicks the cap/puck towards Noah’s goal. Noah leaps and blocks it.

“Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’m awesome.”

He positions the projectile, backs up two steps….

…yes, two steps, two legs, two feet…

.., and kicks it with violence. It whistles by the slower Malcolm.

“Oh yeah, Goal! Goal! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh… .”

He does a victory dance, yes on two legs, two feet.

No pain.

Use it or lose it.

Must remember that today at every moment when I might be tempted to avoid the risks of living and loving in an attempt to stay alive.

Suffering is inevitable, misery is a choice.

 

 

sun and sentiment…

…and crazy stories

“I don’t have the words…!!”

He sobs and throws himself at me, full-bodied, his arms grasping. He’s racked by sorrow and fear. He pushes me away. His eyes widen dramatically.

“Oh my god, I’m so afraid.”

“What is it, Noah? I’m here.”

“I can’t say,” whispering loudly.

He buries his head in the pillows of his bed and sobs. I rub his back.

I’m at a loss. It’s 11 at night. The Acetaminophen has brought his fever down but suddenly he’s delirious. No idea whether it’s the drugs or the underlying condition.

My work day ended at 11 this morning,

“Meeester Barichello?”  The caller ID shows Bancroft School. The voice has a pleasant West-Indian lilt that in no way reassures me.

“Yes !?!” Instant images of death, destruction, horror, mangled limbs, crying babies, nuclear explosions rifle through my mind like a madman’s flip chart.

“Noah Barichello’s dad?”

“Yes !?!” Are they unaware of the sick suspense they put parents through or is it a perverse pleasure that makes up for poor pay?

“Your child is…uhm.”

“Yeeesss?” I’m about to scream at her…”what the f… is wrong?”

“He is crying and has high fever.” Relief! He’s only sick!

When I arrive at his school (at the speed of light) he’s sobbing, his head is splitting and hot enough to cook an egg.

“I’m so sorry dad, I’m so sorry.” His first concern is ruining my day. Damn, I feel cheap for all the times I complain about getting my life sucked out of me.

The whole day at home, he alternates between bad headaches, high fever, stomach cramps.

By the time he goes to bed he’s actually doing alright.

“Dad, I feel fine now. Do you think i can go to school tomorrow because it’s like storytelling day and I prepared my poem to tell in front of everybody, so yeah…”

And here we are.

Unfortunately, an hour after falling asleep he woke in a mad tirade against someone, unseen, but clearly terrifying.

Now, he rears off of his pillows and stares ahead. He lifts a hand as if to fend off an attack.

“No, no, nooooo…. .”

Classic horror film stuff. If it wasn’t so scary, it would be funny.

“Noah, Noah, what’s going on? Noah!”

“No… I’m going to die. I’m a giant and they are going to kill me. I don’t want to die.”

“You’re not a giant, you’ re a 9 year old boy, who weighs 59 pounds. A boy that I can pick up and carry. You’re no giant.”

I pick him up in one fell swoop and carry him. He goes limp and washes my shoulder in tears.

“Ok? Noah? Noah?”

“Yes, dad.”

He’s out of the bad film, back into his own life.

I slip him into his bed and lie down beside him. He slowly falls asleep. So do I.

I wake an hour later. He’s snoring. I touch his forehead. Almost cool.

I crawl out without waking him. The cat jumps in to replace me as soon as I leave the room.

I go to bed, hoping for sleep … succeed in doing nothing better than listening to his every breath and sigh. The drugs will be out of his system in an hour and I fully expect a spike in the fever. I spend the hour calming everything my imagination generates, None of it is good.

Like clockwork, an hour later, he pops up in bed and howls. I don’t run, I fly.

He’s burning up, but not enough to cook anything. Progress. He’s grabbing his head, in pain.

I hate it when it’s his head. Scares me way more than pain in any other part of the body.

“I’m going crazy, dad. I’m crazy. My head is so full. I’m going crazy, I’ll never be normal again. Dad, dad, it hurts.”

This time he knows me, knows himself.

“Headache, fever does that to everybody, Noah. You’re not crazy you’re sick. Vince gets the same.”

The name of his adored cousin is like a talisman.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah… you’ll be ok.”

He nods, in pain.

No choice but to bring down the fever. Despite my doubts I dose him with acetaminophen. It’ll take three quarters of an hour before it kicks in, so I cold compress his forehead, massage his head and shoulders. An hour later he finally  falls asleep.

6 a.m.

He wakes me from an exhausted slumber.

“Dad, I’m hungry.”

I touch his forehead. Warm but not hot.

“Dad, do I go to school today?”

“How do you feel.”

“All tired and my legs are weak.”

“No chances to take, kid. Today you’ll stay with me so that you’ll be in shape for the rest of the week.”

“Sorry dad”

“It’s ok, kid. I’m sorry you had to suffer.”

“Look dad, it’s super sunny. Do you want to go to the café, so you can write? I’ll bring my stuff to draw.”

He’s right it’s a bright one today.

 

 

 

 

 

live broadcast…

…from Mars

“I would catch a grenade for yaaaaaa…..I would take a bullet straight through the head for yaaaa….but youuuu won’t do the same, no, no,no, no.”

Noah sings all the time…creating a soundtrack to our day. He has a sweet well-pitched voice…  not at all unpleasant. It becomes background music so I don’t always listen.

“I would jump in front of a train for yaaaaaaaaa… put my hand on a blade for yaaaaaa….”.

But blades, bullets, grenades and trains force my attention.

“What’s that song, Noah.”

“Bruno Mars…do you know the song dad?”

I don’t.

“Yeah, it’s pretty much a love song where the girl is really not nice because in the video, he, the guy, Bruno Mars, he’s so in love with her that he’s ready to like kill himself. At the end it’s so cool because you see him and you see a train and then him and then a train and then whooosh! he’s gone so like you know that he’s like you know …(he breaks into song)….I would jump in front of the train for yaaaaaaa. But she’s like with another guy. Imagine dad!”

Very easily.

“Yeah and he’s pulling his piano with a rope all over the city looking for her. And it’s really hard because it’s heavy. He’s a singer… you understand dad?”

“I understand that pianos are heavy. A microphone would have been easier.”

“No dad…it shows that he really really loves her and that it’s really really not easy.”

Because she’s a bitch?

“And because he makes music he drags a piano… get it now?’

“Now I get it.”

After all, I’m a writer and I’ve been dragging my pen across paper because I really really loved her and her and her and … lighter than a piano only in appearance.

Noah is back to singing as he runs around, gathering his stuff for school.

“Black, black, black and blue, beat me ’till I’m numb…”.

Wow, that is one hell of a program for love… self mutilation, masochism, suicide…

“Mad woman, bad woman, that’s what you are…”  …and misogyny.

My memory banks light up in neon and the name on the marquee is…..

“Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, yes you diiiiiiiddddd…”

I join in, but I don’t know the exact lyrics, though the tune is very recognizable.

“Yeah yeah yeah….oh ho yeah yeah yeah.”

Noah is lead, I do back up.

“Yes I would die for ya, baby…but you wouldn’t do the same….”

“Yeah yeah yeah ..” is all I got to contribute. I would die for my baby, but he’s nine and has smelly feet.

Romance means something else to a single dad.

Noah is bopping on the futon beside me, turns and jumps on my…. stomach.

“…If my body was on fire, Oooh, you’d watch me burn down in flames.”

“I been there…done thaaaaat, oh yeah.”

Noah stops bouncing.

“No that’s not it dad…listen.” He move his head, his shoulders and then the whole of his scrawniness…

“Take take take it all but you never giiiiive…Shoulda known you were trouble from the first kiss…”

First kiss is always trouble, sweet trouble, and if it sours, it sours. What would Bruno Mars have me do, stop kissing girls.

Never!!

“The first kiiiisss is the sweetest, give me more, give me more…” I croak but the tune is pretty good.

“Daaaaaadddd…that’s not it at all.”

“That’s how it’s for me, Noah, I love kissing.” I grab him and pretend to want to French him.

“Gross.” He jumps a mile away.

“Geez, dad, it’s a song, it’s not real life, you know.”

Oh, I know…a song then a dance then a baby…and here you are, Noah.

Real life!

Earth to Mars…earth to Mars!

 

 

 

 

 

 

whack me…

…hard

Friday 3:45 pm. I get a call from Noah. He’s at daycare and wants to know if I can come and get him early. His stomach “really” hurts.

“Sure, Noah, I’ll come as quickly as I can.”

“Thanks, dad, excuse me for like interrupting your work.”

“Don’t worry, kid, it’s not your fault.”

And I wasn’t getting anything done anyways.

His stomach has been tender and sensitive all week. The reasons are obvious. His school screwed up and there were no hot lunches all week. I made the best sandwiches I could, with veggies and fruit on the side, but…

“Yeah, because you said to me that, even if my stomach hurt today, it’s like, hmmm, you couldn’t do anything about it anyways, so that I shouldn’t call you.”

I did say that. Yes, it sounds cruel. And now I feel guilty. Especially since I’m sitting at home, staring out the window, surrounded by unwashed dishes and clothes and unpaid bills, and trying to find the ideas to advance “my creation”, and getting nowhere.  So why exactly am I defending my time from my son’s needs?

“It’s OK, Noah, you did the right thing. I’m finished working anyways.”

“I’m sorry dad, but its hurting real bad.”

“I’m on my way.”

By the time I walk to his school and we take the bus home, he’s feeling better. And hungry. Of course.

I have a date. I don’t want to cancel.

Feed him and risk re-igniting the fire in his belly? Don’t feed him and risk re-igniting the fire in his belly?

I make some white rice and a broth and dry toast. By the time the babysitter arrives, he’s doing fine. Tender stomach, but no pain.

I run away before something happens.

Now, to be adult, charming, seductive, good-looking. Don’t talk too much about being a parent. I’ve noticed that talking about kids, cuts down on the possibility of sex.

And I like sex.

During supper, I get a text message from the sitter…Noah’s stomach is acting up. Nothing I can do. I don’t call back. But it screws with my desire to get screwed.

A second text message, the pain is worse, when I’m at the lady’s house. Throws me off.

I eventually walk back home in the snow at 1 am.

Unlaid.

The sitter looks stressed out. Noah wakes as soon as she leaves. His belly really, really, really hurts.

Fennel tea, rub the belly counterclockwise, hold him. He literally contorts in pain. I touch here and there to ascertain that his innards aren’t twisted. No appendicitis, no blockage, no liver problem.

It’s the good old acid reflux that we’ve been defeating with daily treatment for the last two months. I thought we had it licked.

&?%$@#**!&@ school that can’t get its ?$%@%?%# act together for hot lunches,

Then they send you reams of papers about nutrition, food %##$@#&@? groups, proper goddamn eating.

*%%##$%#? youuuuu!!!!

The intense pain lasts all night, Friday. He finally falls asleep in my bed around 4 am. He sleeps, I don’t. He moves like a turbine while snoring.

The next day we’re supposed to spend a day with his cousin. Its her birthday. Noah is in worse pain, all day, all evening, all night. At 2 am. I decide to go to the emergency room.

“Dad, I don’t want to…we’ll like spend all night and get what…? I’ll try to sleep OK?”

Listen. Your kid is smart.

“OK, I’ll go make some more fennel water.”

“OK, dad. Sorry dad.”

Shoot me!

I’m back in his room, three minutes later. He’s sound asleep. I rush to my bed in the hopes of doing the same.

I wake at 6 am. Noah is standing beside my bed. His belly is sore but its not pain. He wants to go to the Pokemon tournament…it’s a special Citywide event, once a year.

Maybe distraction is good.

All day, we’re careful….bananas, rice, baked potato…all small quantities. By bed time, it hurts, but he falls asleep quickly and doesn’t wake until this morning 7 am.

No pain. He goes to school. The hot lunch program is back on.

“Dad, if it hurts, can I call you?”

I’m unshaven, exhausted, fighting panic and depression.

“Sure, if it’s not tolerable, and you can’t concentrate.”

I keep trying to balance work and kid.

But, I must admit, it is getting harder to convince myself that staring out a window, dreaming in the hopes of discovering the next script or play is really more important.

“I’ll call you only if I reaaallly can’t stand it dad, I promise.”

If he makes the effort to help me, maybe I should, too.

 

4h15 a.m. …

… acid

“I wish I could rip out my stomach, shtack, shtack, like this and…oooh, it hurts so much. I hate this, it burns, daddy.”

I’m rubbing his belly, counter-clockwise, counter clockwise. He’ s so narrow that my hand practically covers his whole body. He’s contorted, grimacing. His breath smells of leaky batteries.

“Dad…it hurts and it’s like I can’t breathe.”

“I know, I know, here drink a little water and sit up a bit.”

I fluff the pillows in my bed and he sits up.

I rub, counter-clockwise, counter-clockwise.

“That helps, daddy. But when you stop it gets worse.”

“Then I won’t stop.”

“Forever?”

“Forever and a pain.”

He smiles a crooked, suffering smile.

“Not like forever and a day but forever and a pain…hah.”

“Does it hurt when you laugh?”

“Wasn’t that funny.”

“Oh?”

“Gotcha, hunh?”

“Yup.”

“It feels less bad, now, dad.”

“Cool. Let’s go back to your bed. Maybe you’ll fall asleep.”

“Can you stay with me? Please?”

“Sure.”

We move to his room. I wrap him up cocoon like in his bed and lie down beside him. I continue slow belly massages, counter-clockwise, counter-clockwise.

He suffers these acid bellies regularly. I think, and his pediatrician confirms, that his stomach flora is all out of whack. Over a two year period he had continuous mucous drip from nose and sinuses…until we had his tonsils out.

It’s getting better. He’s on medication that helps. But watching him writhe in pain is worse than pain.

5h15 a.m. While he relaxes, I question myself and everything else.

The last week at school has been bad. He was suspended, repressed, disciplined, called to task. I can feel he is vulnerable.

When I get stressed, I feel it in the back. Maybe he feels it in the belly.

His eyes are closed. He mumbles a few last words before sinking into sleep.

“You’re a great dad.”

I kiss his forehead.

“And you’re a great kid.”

He has a faint, somnambulist smile.

 

 

fire…

…in the belly

Last night my head was spinning.

So I went to bed. Before midnight.

Victory.

By blowing several holes in my brain through a variety of ilicit and licit abuses, I finally succeeded in exhausting myself sufficiently to be unable to stay up and see whether Dublin would catch Galway in the Irish Senior Hurling Championships.

And I went unconscious immediately as I hit the mattress.

Baby has finally fallen asleep. Ssssshhhh…don’t wake him.

As a child I would stay awake all night for fear of the dark, of the unprotected abandon that sleep required.

“Daddy, daddy, daddy.” The baby is awake. He’s crying.

I wake, disoriented. My head is spinning.

The pillow next to me is empty. The imprint of a mother’s head has gone.

It’s 4h30 a.m. I’m alone except for the incomprehensible complaint outside my door.

The sobs burst through my door and take shape. Noah is contorted, clutching his belly.

“It hurts, daddy, it hurts so much.”

I remember now.  I’m the parent.

I pull him into bed beside me. I kiss his head, rub his stomach, remembering the gestures of care as you would remember a lost forest path, one step leading to the next.

“It’ll be ok, Noah…it’ll pass.”

“But it hurts so much.”

“I know, I know.”

When the pain is intense you feel as if it’ll never go away. You’re consumed.

But I’ve been here before. The pain always passes. Nothing is forever.

“It’s a burn or a cramp, Noah?”.

“Both.” He crumples, clutching his belly button.

“I hate this so much. I want to just rip it out”

Yes. If I could just rip out my heart, whitewash my memory.

“It’ll pass Noah. Drink some water.”

I rub his belly counterclockwise. I remember its better counterclockwise. Not sure why.

“It’s like fire in my belly, dad. And now its here.” He slaps his chest and then his throat.

“It’s acid, Noah. Drink water, it’ll wash it down.”

Vitriol, my boy, vitriol. Like an Agatha Christie mystery where the victim and the culprit are the same person.

Me.

A funeral, a mourning and a father who no longer sleeps for fear of waking in a dream.

Sorry, Noah.

“If only I was a dragon, dad. I could at least go whoooosshhh and burn something. Owwww, it hurts.”

He dives deeper into my arms. He’s relaxing. The pain must be easing.

“Would be fun to write the story of a little dragon who had fire in the belly because he couldn’t breathe it out.”

Noah’s hand leaves his stomach and reaches for my fingers.

“Yeah and he could have like these really small little wings. Real cute like.”

“Yeah…. it’s passing?”

“A little.”

He wants to hang on to the moment.

Mourning is like that.

He eventually falls asleep. I don’t.

I wonder if Irish Hurling is still on the tv.